For a week, the shoe was missing. I had asked my daughter where it was. She said she didn’t know and I moved on. No big deal. I can replace the shoe. She is my more responsible daughter, not like her to lose or misplace something, it’s fine.

Then a week later, it turns up in her dance bag. Yay! “Wonder how it got in there”, I say and my daughter burst into tears.

Let’s back up… a month before this her sister had lost a tennis shoe. And I may have overreacted… ok I did overreact but this daughter is careless with her things. She throws things, leaves things places. It drives me crazy! So I yelled and made her feel guilty when her tennis shoe went missing. In the moment, I felt fine about my response. She needed to feel guilty, she needed to be more responsible. And my loud and reactive response was going to get her to behave the way I wanted (sense the sarcasm).

So now here we are a month later and my other daughter is in tears. She knew her friend had been playing with her shoe as they got ready for dance but wasn’t sure where it had ended up and didn’t want me to be upset with her. So she didn’t tell me.  She had been feeling bad about it all week.

We had a great conversation. We talked about why it is important to always tell the truth and that we don’t keep secrets from each other. We talked about why we feel that way when we don’t tell the truth.  And I apologized for the way I had responded a month ago to her sister. (Side note: I did go apologize to that daughter too.)

This was a big moment for my daughters and me. They needed to know they can trust me. They can trust that I love them even when they mess up. Even when they don’t tell the truth. Even if they had purposefully thrown their shoes away. They need to know that my love is not based on behavior. THE RELATIONSHIP IS MORE IMPORTANT. Because when the big mess ups come in life they need to know I can be trusted to help through the mess.

And I need to choose differently next time. I WANT to choose differently next time. I want to respond and not react. I want to earn their trust and respect.

Recently someone said to me, “How beautiful would it be if when our kids messed up, they rushed into our arms to help them. They could share their failures knowing we love them so much we want nothing more than to help them work through them.”

In other words to trust me more than they fear the consequences. Please hear me, I am not saying there shouldn’t be consequences. Maybe I won’t buy a new pair shoes right away or they have to help pay for them. Or maybe I will buy them a new pair that moment because the relationship is more important than the lost shoes! MY  heart is always for them and my response to them needs to reflect my heart.

So…I need to take a chill pill. I need to let God, who is peace and love, share His LIFE through me.

My kids are going to make mistakes (a lot of mistakes) and my response to them matters. Big and small mistakes, on purpose or accidents, how I respond matters.

Good news! I have Jesus living inside me! So I have all the patience, all the discernment, all the love living inside me. May I live out of this truth. And may you too!

Okay, so we are about two weeks into summer and my kids have already had a few knock down drag out arguments. Whew! In one of those moments this week, I caught myself saying out loud “I cannot handle this! Be quiet!” Have you ever said that?  Been there? The statement is a half-truth. The full truth is I feel like I cannot handle the bickering and complaining and whining.  (FYI: my threshold for whining is very low.) BUT, I can indeed handle it because of who I am in Christ and who He is in me.

This is a parenting moment where I get to choose to live out of Jesus and not my feelings. I can choose to make this about the stress it is causing me and my feelings,  believing the lie I cannot handle it,  or I can take a deep breath, refocus (set my mind – Colossians 3:2, Romans 8:5-6) on Jesus and allow Him to handle the moment through me. I get to believe the truth that Jesus lives inside of me and I have all of Him right now. Which means I have all His patience and all His peace even if I don’t feel like it.

When I choose truth and walk according to the truth of who I am in Christ, the bickering may not stop but I am not nearly as stressed, overwhelmed, or frustrated.

When I don’t choose Christ, I end up having to apologize to my kids for the words that come out of my mouth.

Summer offers me many opportunities to practice choosing Jesus in this area of feelings and responses. I am praying for all of us this summer that we may choose Christ in those moments. May this summer be one where we walk according to truth and not by feelings! May we parent through Christ’s life in us!

We are in full fledge summer mode and in this season with littles that very much involves swim lessons. My oldest, Benjamin, will be 6 this fall and is very much capable of swimming, contrary to his belief. I have witnessed said swimming before. He has been lovingly referred to in our home as the Safety Steve of the family (he legit asked me to be quiet on the zoo train so we could all hear the safety rules a couple weeks back). In a house full of boys, I am appreciative one is doing his part to keep ER bills to a minimum. Despite Benjamin being capable of swimming, there is this little (BIG) thing called fear that keeps him observing from the sidelines instead of enjoying the freedom of his ability. This week on the way to his first swim lesson of the year, his thoughts, feelings, and questions were all over the map. “Will they let me drown? What if I swallow water? I’m going to jump off the diving board! Mom how do you know this will work? Mom, for real, do I have to do this?” I answered his concerns, reassured him of his capability, asked him to trust me and his instructor, told him he was strong and courageous, and may or may not have offered a reward in the form of a new toy for conquering his swimming fear.

Of course, I want Benjamin to be safe in the water. But just as much as I want him to be safe, I desire him to be free! To experience the freedom and fun of playing in a pool with his friends. To not be held captive by the fear. Fear is a dark, lonely, and crappy companion where lies come to reside and hopes and dreams wither away. Freedom is where we express and experience the depth, richness, joy, exhilaration, and truth of life. The thoughts, feelings, and questions that Benjamin was firing off on our drive are very similar to my own thoughts, feelings, and questions that I ask God when I am afraid. Just as I will answer, guide, and encourage Benjamin each time he is facing a current fear, God does the same for you and me. I was so thankful Benjamin was letting me into all of that, just as I know God is thankful when we let Him in on our struggles. Our God is a living God and He is a powerful God. His love, power, and truth have risen and set the sun, parted the Red Sea, conquered Goliath with a boy and a stone, and broke down walls (literally and figuratively). Love, our God, conquers all fear (1 John 4:18). I know that just as much as I want my sweet Benjamin to experience freedom from his fear, I know God wants (and has already provided) the same for us. God desires for us to rest in His love, power, and truth in order to experience the fullness of the riches of His Glory (Ephesians 1:18). I encourage you to live life trusting in the truth of our powerful Creator and freely embrace the swim.

Responding not reacting is one of those tips that applies at all stages of parenting.

I had a chance to practice responding this past week. My oldest daughter is adopted. She knows she is adopted. We talk about it openly and often. We talk about the beauty of it and how much we wanted her, and God had always planned/known she would be a Soule’.  She asks questions sometimes and we answer whatever she asks. We have even begun to have conversations about her birth family. However, this week, I was not prepared to have any adoption conversation (which is usually the way it is when the topic comes up).

I picked up two of my nieces to go to the park. They are slightly older than my oldest.  They jumped in the car and one said, “Aunt Emily, does Ella know she is“ and she stopped. The other niece said,  “yes, she knows.”  The first niece continued, “okay great! Ella lets play a game where we adopt a cat. You know like you are adopted…” I didn’t know what was to follow. My mind quickly begins to race… “Do I shut this conversation/game down? I want to protect my baby! What if they say something that hurts her…wait, this is one of those moments! Respond, don’t react, Emily” So what did I do, I hit a curb – hard! Quite dramatically the conversation quickly changed to the importance of seat belts. This was not an intentional hitting of the curb but it sure did “save me” in the moment.  This adoption game/conversation really was not a big deal. It was so sweet and innocent but how I reacted/responded to it mattered.

Hitting the curb was an outward demonstration of what was happening on the inside. There are lots of times when our kids will come to us with something or just be talking within earshot of us and our response/reaction matters deeply. At all ages, our kids need to know they can say anything to us, that they can talk to their friends in front of us, and our love for them doesn’t change. We can handle the tough, awkward conversations!

On the inside we may be “hitting the curb with our car” but it is okay. We can handle the conversation because of Christ in us. If we chose to respond quickly, sarcastically, loudly, dramatically, etc., it may affect the next time our child needs to talk to us.

God the Father gives us a beautiful picture of responding and not reacting. We don’t catch Him by surprise; He only wants the best for us and is willing to wait patiently and to continue to teach us as long as it takes for us to “get it”. When we respond gently, calmly, in love in the little things, our kids will trust us in the big things. Its okay to take a moment before you respond. I usually need a few seconds (or hours) and a quick prayer like “Jesus, help the words that come out of my mouth to be you!”

I’m praying for you as you parent in the awkward, bad timing, tough conversations and in the normal mundane everyday conversations. May we be parents that respond, not react.

It was 9 am and the three year old and I were already locked in a battle of wills that shook the walls. Standing in the living room, arms full of baby dolls to the point that I could barely see her face, she stood her ground on bringing every single one with us to the gym. You can bring two, okay? Two babydolls. No more. No! I bring everybody. We’d been at it for 5 minutes, and I was over it. Luckily she couldn’t hold all 10 babies and walk, so she resigned, but not without crying and whining the entire walk to the car. Just get to the gym, I told myself. You’ll have an hour break from this crazy person, a chance to reset. She fought me the entire process of getting in her carseat, and when I got in the front seat, began screaming. Not about anything in particular, just screaming. At this point I should mention that I also have an eight month old, who is understandably not crazy about lots of yelling – so she’s upset now too.

I can’t think straight, so I get out of the car and close the door. It may sound a little inhumane, to leave the two of them crying in the vehicle, but it was that or start turning into the HulkMom. I walk a little down the driveway and just stop; that blank, glazed over look you see other moms wearing in Target while their kid throws stuff out of the buggy. I just start talking.

God, I’m so tired. I can’t remember the last time I had a break. Between these two wildlings in the car and trying to be a good wife and run a business and chase my own dreams and not let the house fall to pieces, I’m so tired. I’m not sure I can do it anymore. I’m fighting back tears at this point, allowing myself to drown in it all for a second

You can’t. It drifts through my mind like a falling leaf, and for a second I’m just downright offended. Um, I absolutely can. I absolutely can do it all, thank you very much. After a few moments my pride takes a chill pill, and it starts to dawn on me that I cannot, in fact, do all of these things. Not the way I’m trying to do them right now, at least. You see, I’ve forgotten to rest. Something that even God did. All of the crazy piles up in front of me and instead of resting in who I am in Christ, and what matters because of His truth, I set out to try to climb the mountain of my own sheer will power. And I end up here. Exhausted and frustrated and this close to losing my ever loving mind. Because I’m trying to do it myself. I will fail every single time this way. Every single time. Until I start letting the Lord lead me beside still waters as I raise two babies and chase my dreams, I will end up at the end of my driveway in tears over the crazy.

So I’m asking you to put it down. Whatever your banner of “I can do this on my own” looks like, will you just lay it down for me? You may not even realize you’re carrying this load, I so often forget that I don’t have to try to do all of this alone. And then all the sudden it hits me that I am simply not capable of keeping all the balls in the air at the same time without the loving, wonderful help of our sweet Savior. So take a deep breath, even if the house is being torn down around you as we speak. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and rest in Him and His truth. Let His goodness and peace rush in, because they’re right there – waiting. He is good, and He has good things for you. He wants to shoulder the things you’ve been carrying. Let Him be in it with you today.

One of the things that we have done to prepare our kids to launch from the nest is to allow them to make age-appropriate decisions – even if it means they might choose differently than we would for them or they might “fail” in some way. The greatest temptation as parents is the urge to step in and “rescue” your child from themselves in some way. As parents, we think we know better, or we don’t want our kids to make the same mistakes we did; and mistakes can be messy, expensive, or more work for us, etc. The positive side of allowing age-appropriate decision making, however, is raising a child who has confidence in their decision-making skills and learns to take responsibility for their decisions – the good and the bad ones! Not only does decision making give them some autonomy and a sense of accomplishment; they also practice critical thinking and learn to rebound from their mistakes knowing they are loved regardless of the outcome of their decision.

Age appropriate decision making takes on many forms when they are small and in the home, but where the “rubber meets the road” is when they start driving and have more freedom and autonomy. When each of our kids started to drive, we sat them down and had a conversation that went something like this: “Heretofore, when you asked us if you could go somewhere or do some social activity, we would ask questions like ‘Do you have homework? Do you have any tests this week?’ That way, if you were up doing homework at midnight on Sunday you could always blame us and say, ‘But you let me go…’. So, from now on, when you ask us if you can go somewhere or do some activity, we are going to already assume that you have done all of your homework and have time for the social activity AND we are going to assume you have the money to go. We will only evaluate your request from a safety perspective and whether it conflicts with something on the family calendar. That way, you are now responsible to evaluate whether you have the time and money to do something and can no longer say, ‘But you let me go.’”

This one conversation revolutionized our relationship and their thinking. They now had to be responsible for their own choices and had to consider how they were spending their time and we got to see them making those choices and decisions while they were still under our roof. They had a lot more freedom to make choices that many of their friends did not enjoy. It has opened up some great conversations with them as we have discussed some of their choices – since not every decision was a good one and we had to let natural consequences follow. They have also come back to us while in college and beyond to thank us for allowing them to make their own choices and give them freedom when they saw others who were in situations where their parents were still trying to control their decisions and choices while they were away at college.

Now, the caveat here is that our kids were self-driven and each has maintained A averages in high school. We would not suggest this if your child is already making poor choices. However, we would suggest trying some version of this to allow them to make some of the adult choices and have some adult freedoms while still at home so that you have an idea of what their decision making and choices look like before they move off to college. We all know what that first semester in college can look like if it’s the first time there have been any liberties away from mom and dad!

As earthly parents we want our children to make the right decisions from a behavioral standpoint and ultimately, what we want to have an effect on is their heart. Our heavenly Father has given each of us, his children, a free will – the ability to make our own decisions. We want to train our children in their decision-making skills so when they leave home they will make choices that will validate who they are and whose they are, and in their adult years walk in the knowledge of Christ in them.

“Mission minded kids.” Have you ever heard that phrase? My hope for our kids is that they will be “Christ-minded kids.” That their minds will be renewed as they grow and learn to know who and Whose they are.  In that renewing that they will live out of the truth of who they are. They will believe and know that our true heart’s desire, as Christians, is to want what God wants. In this knowing, they will act out of that.

As parents, we have the privilege to teach these things to our kids.

In the process of reminding them who they are and Whose they are, we also get to share with them the truths we know about what matters to God and to live out the fulfilling of these desires in front of them.

God has clearly spelled out a few things that are near and dear to His heart and has given us instruction on what to do. God desires no man should perish (2 Pt. 3:9). He asks His people to care for widows and orphans (James 1:27) and to take care of the poor  (Prov. 22:9). This is just to name a few.

As parents, one of the ways we get to teach our kids about God’s heart for these people is to partner in mission work.  To introduce our kids to the needs of the world and allow their hearts to break for what breaks God’s heart. Then to do something! Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone. Compassion is feeling sorry and then doing something about it.

Ask your kids, at whatever age they are, these questions to get the conversation started

• If you could change one thing about the world what would it be?
• If you could make life better for someone how would you do it?
• Share with your child the verses above. Ask them if they know anyone who is not a Christian, or do they know any widows or orphans, or people who have less earthly possessions than they do? Is there something your family can do for these people to share the love of Christ with them?

I tried so hard to have the family I dreamed of as a child and then one day I went to a step-mom retreat and in one simple sentence my paradigm on family shifted.

The lady speaking said, “You are NOT a traditional family and you will never be a traditional family, you ARE a blended family.  So many families make the mistake of “trying” to be a family they are not and it is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole- it will just never fit.”  

This sudden realization hit me with instant sorrow and I knew the first thing I needed to do was grieve the loss of that traditional family I always dreamed of having.  Then I needed to ask, “Well God, if I am not a traditional family show me what a blended family looks like.”  This continuous journey of allowing God to be my counsel has helped me to lay down playing the role of “mother” so that I could be the role God assigned and gifted me for in this blended family, which  is step-mom.

The one big difference between a traditional family and a blended family is that in a traditional family you don’t have to deal with the children having another set of parents whom they love very deeply and feel obligated to be loyal to at all costs. At times it can feel like there are spies in your own home ready to go back to the other home to make a mockery of you but you fight through the stings of betrayal to continue sacrificing for and nurturing them because after all they are just children trying to survive in their broken family.

I was asked to write a short article on helpful tips to being a step-mom and I really have no solid advice because honestly, I mess it up all the time.  Also, every blended family dynamic is so different.  You have some that have “his children, her children and a theirs”. You have some blended families that have “his children and her children”.  Some families have “his, and theirs or hers and theirs and then you have a family like mine, “just his” or “just hers”.  We are referred to as the “motherless step-mom” or “fatherless step-dad”.  Living situations within blended families are also very different.  With my family distance is a factor so our step-daughters come once a month, breaks and summer.  Lastly, blended families form at different stages of a child’s growth.  The developmental stage the child is in and the level of toxicity of the divorce all contribute to the makeup within the newly blended family.  So I cannot share with you specific strategies that will work with your blended family except to tell you to invite the Holy Spirit into ALL  your circumstances.  I will share a moment with you when I invited Him in so you can see what this may look like.

So the story goes:

The girls mother upset me one day so I went before the Lord in complaint and anger and He said, “The best thing you could do for those girls is love their mom.”  I was so mad at Him and could not believe he was not taking my side, after all she was the one who was being ungodly.  So as I continued judging I shared with him all my reasons on why I felt she was undeserving of my love and all he could say in return was, “love her”.  With each refute his steady voice would repeat, “love her”  My final self-righteous words were, “At my expense?”  Then came an ear full as the Lord gently responded, “Did my son not love you at his expense?  Did it not look unfair to Him, that while everyone was running around manipulating, being deceitful, playing “God” and making Jesus look bad He still chose to die for them?  I yelled back, “Yeah, but that was Jesus!”

He gently responded with a smile and a wink, “And that Jesus… lives inside of you.  I see what is going on Christie but what I can prevent in my power I allow in my wisdom and now you have to make a choice, me or your rights?  But first let me ask you this, do your rights know best, will your rights bring life, will your rights motivate my children to love?  Don’t you think I had rights?  I had the right to keep my son in heaven with me and let you all perish in your sin but I didn’t because love does not forsake and love always forgives. Then he asked one simple yet profound question:

“What are you so afraid of?”

This opened up doors to my soul that I realized I had shut many, many years ago.  Doors that Holy showed me were locked with thick chains of self-protection, control and self-provision to bandage old wounds from further damage or at least that is what I thought.

As a child I did not know how to receive Christ’s love so I developed ways to cope when I was wounded.  Instead of Him being my comfort in times of confusion, despair, loneliness, fear, rejection and worry I played the role of God writing my own set of “Christie Commandments” so that I could protect myself from ever getting hurt again. As the Lord showed me my fears and the way I tried to manage them I came to the realization that these Christie Commandments were once again rearing their ugly head and getting in the way of me loving the girls mother in the way the Lord has asked me to. I saw that it was these Christie Commandments that tried to fit this squared pegged family into a rounded hole family.  It was also these Christie Commandments that caused my own family and the girls other family to sin.  After this conviction by the Holy Spirit I was brought to my knees in regret and repentance causing me to surrender the “Christie Commandments” to the cross. After my surrender and with an act of my will I looked to the Lord and said, “What have you promised for me Father?

I renew my mind with:

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” 

Revelation 21:5 “He who is seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” 

Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon formed agains you shall prosper” 

Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time.  Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.”

Psalm 118:6-7 “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?

Once I saturate my mind with His promises and surrender mine, I hear him say, “Now, you are fighting the good fight of faith and without faith, it is impossible to please me.”  After an intimate moment like this with Jesus be aware the enemy is waiting to steal it!   It is easy to be lured into a guilt trap that “we messed it all up” and therefore we must do something apart from God AGAIN to make it better.  Dear one, guard your heart and remember you already repented (changed your way of thinking).  With an act of your will, NOT your emotions (because they won’t align) TRUST in the power of the cross and His blood that was shed, eventually your emotions will follow suit. It helps me to remember that all of my imperfections are hidden in His perfections!

This is the process of inviting Him in and it is NEVER to condemn or shame but to help us see that we have a loving Father who gave us Jesus to die at his own expense so we could all be forgiven and not forsaken.  It is this process that grows us to love and rely on Him more and it is this process that He looks forward to.  His Grace and Mercy will pardon us when we mess up as step-mothers and He moves on our families hearts to extend that same grace and mercy because He is making ALL things new.

He will continue to use this step-mom role in our lives to help us discover who we truly are in Him and then… loving the birth mother will become the natural reaction of our truest nature.  He really does live in us and through us and when He does,

it brings healing to a once broken family.  What a great privilege it is that He chose you to be the step-mom so that divorce no longer needs to be the curse this once broken family lived under.  There was a great divorce when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate from the tree.  However, Jesus who loved without return became the glue to mend that brokenness and he has chosen step-moms and step-dads alike to also be that “glue”.  To love without return so the wounds of divorce become saturated in love. Love truly does heal all and conquer all, if we let it and the children we played tug-of-war with might just invite Jesus into their lives way before we ever did changing the course of our family history for many generations to come. Sweet, step-mom, never forget that you have a very influential role and are desperately needed, just in a different way.

So if you are struggling with loving the birth mom, let me ask you the same question “What are you afraid of?” and then take your answer before the Lord so He can love on you in ways you could never imagine.

Now that the Lord has told me what to do and why I am struggling to do it, my next question is, “Lord, show me how to love her.”   I know this will lead me down a wild road of constant surrender but I also know at the end of this road awaits my promise land full of freedom!

Praying our Lord Jesus blesses you and rewards you as you diligently seek Him for counsel and guidance in your role as a step-mom and that the fruits of your labor manifests themselves in your beautifully, uniquely blended family that He ordained.