Being a step-mom

I tried so hard to have the family I dreamed of as a child and then one day I went to a step-mom retreat and in one simple sentence my paradigm on family shifted.

The lady speaking said, “You are NOT a traditional family and you will never be a traditional family, you ARE a blended family.  So many families make the mistake of “trying” to be a family they are not and it is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole- it will just never fit.”  

This sudden realization hit me with instant sorrow and I knew the first thing I needed to do was grieve the loss of that traditional family I always dreamed of having.  Then I needed to ask, “Well God, if I am not a traditional family show me what a blended family looks like.”  This continuous journey of allowing God to be my counsel has helped me to lay down playing the role of “mother” so that I could be the role God assigned and gifted me for in this blended family, which  is step-mom.

The one big difference between a traditional family and a blended family is that in a traditional family you don’t have to deal with the children having another set of parents whom they love very deeply and feel obligated to be loyal to at all costs. At times it can feel like there are spies in your own home ready to go back to the other home to make a mockery of you but you fight through the stings of betrayal to continue sacrificing for and nurturing them because after all they are just children trying to survive in their broken family.

I was asked to write a short article on helpful tips to being a step-mom and I really have no solid advice because honestly, I mess it up all the time.  Also, every blended family dynamic is so different.  You have some that have “his children, her children and a theirs”. You have some blended families that have “his children and her children”.  Some families have “his, and theirs or hers and theirs and then you have a family like mine, “just his” or “just hers”.  We are referred to as the “motherless step-mom” or “fatherless step-dad”.  Living situations within blended families are also very different.  With my family distance is a factor so our step-daughters come once a month, breaks and summer.  Lastly, blended families form at different stages of a child’s growth.  The developmental stage the child is in and the level of toxicity of the divorce all contribute to the makeup within the newly blended family.  So I cannot share with you specific strategies that will work with your blended family except to tell you to invite the Holy Spirit into ALL  your circumstances.  I will share a moment with you when I invited Him in so you can see what this may look like.

So the story goes:

The girls mother upset me one day so I went before the Lord in complaint and anger and He said, “The best thing you could do for those girls is love their mom.”  I was so mad at Him and could not believe he was not taking my side, after all she was the one who was being ungodly.  So as I continued judging I shared with him all my reasons on why I felt she was undeserving of my love and all he could say in return was, “love her”.  With each refute his steady voice would repeat, “love her”  My final self-righteous words were, “At my expense?”  Then came an ear full as the Lord gently responded, “Did my son not love you at his expense?  Did it not look unfair to Him, that while everyone was running around manipulating, being deceitful, playing “God” and making Jesus look bad He still chose to die for them?  I yelled back, “Yeah, but that was Jesus!”

He gently responded with a smile and a wink, “And that Jesus… lives inside of you.  I see what is going on Christie but what I can prevent in my power I allow in my wisdom and now you have to make a choice, me or your rights?  But first let me ask you this, do your rights know best, will your rights bring life, will your rights motivate my children to love?  Don’t you think I had rights?  I had the right to keep my son in heaven with me and let you all perish in your sin but I didn’t because love does not forsake and love always forgives. Then he asked one simple yet profound question:

“What are you so afraid of?”

This opened up doors to my soul that I realized I had shut many, many years ago.  Doors that Holy showed me were locked with thick chains of self-protection, control and self-provision to bandage old wounds from further damage or at least that is what I thought.

As a child I did not know how to receive Christ’s love so I developed ways to cope when I was wounded.  Instead of Him being my comfort in times of confusion, despair, loneliness, fear, rejection and worry I played the role of God writing my own set of “Christie Commandments” so that I could protect myself from ever getting hurt again. As the Lord showed me my fears and the way I tried to manage them I came to the realization that these Christie Commandments were once again rearing their ugly head and getting in the way of me loving the girls mother in the way the Lord has asked me to. I saw that it was these Christie Commandments that tried to fit this squared pegged family into a rounded hole family.  It was also these Christie Commandments that caused my own family and the girls other family to sin.  After this conviction by the Holy Spirit I was brought to my knees in regret and repentance causing me to surrender the “Christie Commandments” to the cross. After my surrender and with an act of my will I looked to the Lord and said, “What have you promised for me Father?

I renew my mind with:

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” 

Revelation 21:5 “He who is seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” 

Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon formed agains you shall prosper” 

Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time.  Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.”

Psalm 118:6-7 “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?

Once I saturate my mind with His promises and surrender mine, I hear him say, “Now, you are fighting the good fight of faith and without faith, it is impossible to please me.”  After an intimate moment like this with Jesus be aware the enemy is waiting to steal it!   It is easy to be lured into a guilt trap that “we messed it all up” and therefore we must do something apart from God AGAIN to make it better.  Dear one, guard your heart and remember you already repented (changed your way of thinking).  With an act of your will, NOT your emotions (because they won’t align) TRUST in the power of the cross and His blood that was shed, eventually your emotions will follow suit. It helps me to remember that all of my imperfections are hidden in His perfections!

This is the process of inviting Him in and it is NEVER to condemn or shame but to help us see that we have a loving Father who gave us Jesus to die at his own expense so we could all be forgiven and not forsaken.  It is this process that grows us to love and rely on Him more and it is this process that He looks forward to.  His Grace and Mercy will pardon us when we mess up as step-mothers and He moves on our families hearts to extend that same grace and mercy because He is making ALL things new.

He will continue to use this step-mom role in our lives to help us discover who we truly are in Him and then… loving the birth mother will become the natural reaction of our truest nature.  He really does live in us and through us and when He does,

it brings healing to a once broken family.  What a great privilege it is that He chose you to be the step-mom so that divorce no longer needs to be the curse this once broken family lived under.  There was a great divorce when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate from the tree.  However, Jesus who loved without return became the glue to mend that brokenness and he has chosen step-moms and step-dads alike to also be that “glue”.  To love without return so the wounds of divorce become saturated in love. Love truly does heal all and conquer all, if we let it and the children we played tug-of-war with might just invite Jesus into their lives way before we ever did changing the course of our family history for many generations to come. Sweet, step-mom, never forget that you have a very influential role and are desperately needed, just in a different way.

So if you are struggling with loving the birth mom, let me ask you the same question “What are you afraid of?” and then take your answer before the Lord so He can love on you in ways you could never imagine.

Now that the Lord has told me what to do and why I am struggling to do it, my next question is, “Lord, show me how to love her.”   I know this will lead me down a wild road of constant surrender but I also know at the end of this road awaits my promise land full of freedom!

Praying our Lord Jesus blesses you and rewards you as you diligently seek Him for counsel and guidance in your role as a step-mom and that the fruits of your labor manifests themselves in your beautifully, uniquely blended family that He ordained.

Author: Christie Jack

Christie Jack is a member of Grace Life Fellowship. Her beautifully blended family of eight years is completed by her husband and two step-daughters. Christie spends her weekdays teaching reading intervention at a local middle school. She has a burning passion to help children see their true worth in the public school arena. To make this happen she formed a club called the Lighthouse Team where she teaches leadership so they can impact the rest of the student body. In her free time, she leads a women’s group called Pure Heart where women come together to process their week. She is also a graduate of the Advanced Discipleship Training Program at Grace Life and is a part of the counseling ministry. When she is not ministering to others she is basking in a good book, writing, enjoying the outdoors or decorating her home.