One of the things that we have done to prepare our kids to launch from the nest is to allow them to make age-appropriate decisions – even if it means they might choose differently than we would for them or they might “fail” in some way. The greatest temptation as parents is the urge to step in and “rescue” your child from themselves in some way. As parents, we think we know better, or we don’t want our kids to make the same mistakes we did; and mistakes can be messy, expensive, or more work for us, etc. The positive side of allowing age-appropriate decision making, however, is raising a child who has confidence in their decision-making skills and learns to take responsibility for their decisions – the good and the bad ones! Not only does decision making give them some autonomy and a sense of accomplishment; they also practice critical thinking and learn to rebound from their mistakes knowing they are loved regardless of the outcome of their decision.
Age appropriate decision making takes on many forms when they are small and in the home, but where the “rubber meets the road” is when they start driving and have more freedom and autonomy. When each of our kids started to drive, we sat them down and had a conversation that went something like this: “Heretofore, when you asked us if you could go somewhere or do some social activity, we would ask questions like ‘Do you have homework? Do you have any tests this week?’ That way, if you were up doing homework at midnight on Sunday you could always blame us and say, ‘But you let me go…’. So, from now on, when you ask us if you can go somewhere or do some activity, we are going to already assume that you have done all of your homework and have time for the social activity AND we are going to assume you have the money to go. We will only evaluate your request from a safety perspective and whether it conflicts with something on the family calendar. That way, you are now responsible to evaluate whether you have the time and money to do something and can no longer say, ‘But you let me go.’”
This one conversation revolutionized our relationship and their thinking. They now had to be responsible for their own choices and had to consider how they were spending their time and we got to see them making those choices and decisions while they were still under our roof. They had a lot more freedom to make choices that many of their friends did not enjoy. It has opened up some great conversations with them as we have discussed some of their choices – since not every decision was a good one and we had to let natural consequences follow. They have also come back to us while in college and beyond to thank us for allowing them to make their own choices and give them freedom when they saw others who were in situations where their parents were still trying to control their decisions and choices while they were away at college.
Now, the caveat here is that our kids were self-driven and each has maintained A averages in high school. We would not suggest this if your child is already making poor choices. However, we would suggest trying some version of this to allow them to make some of the adult choices and have some adult freedoms while still at home so that you have an idea of what their decision making and choices look like before they move off to college. We all know what that first semester in college can look like if it’s the first time there have been any liberties away from mom and dad!
As earthly parents we want our children to make the right decisions from a behavioral standpoint and ultimately, what we want to have an effect on is their heart. Our heavenly Father has given each of us, his children, a free will – the ability to make our own decisions. We want to train our children in their decision-making skills so when they leave home they will make choices that will validate who they are and whose they are, and in their adult years walk in the knowledge of Christ in them.
Author: Keith and Susan Mayeaux
Keith and Susan Mayeaux have been married for almost 30 years and have three daughters ranging from 24-18 years and a 17-year-old son in high school.
Keith and Susan enjoy traveling together in their spare time.
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