Responding, Not Reacting

Responding not reacting is one of those tips that applies at all stages of parenting.

I had a chance to practice responding this past week. My oldest daughter is adopted. She knows she is adopted. We talk about it openly and often. We talk about the beauty of it and how much we wanted her, and God had always planned/known she would be a Soule’.  She asks questions sometimes and we answer whatever she asks. We have even begun to have conversations about her birth family. However, this week, I was not prepared to have any adoption conversation (which is usually the way it is when the topic comes up).

I picked up two of my nieces to go to the park. They are slightly older than my oldest.  They jumped in the car and one said, “Aunt Emily, does Ella know she is“ and she stopped. The other niece said,  “yes, she knows.”  The first niece continued, “okay great! Ella lets play a game where we adopt a cat. You know like you are adopted…” I didn’t know what was to follow. My mind quickly begins to race… “Do I shut this conversation/game down? I want to protect my baby! What if they say something that hurts her…wait, this is one of those moments! Respond, don’t react, Emily” So what did I do, I hit a curb – hard! Quite dramatically the conversation quickly changed to the importance of seat belts. This was not an intentional hitting of the curb but it sure did “save me” in the moment.  This adoption game/conversation really was not a big deal. It was so sweet and innocent but how I reacted/responded to it mattered.

Hitting the curb was an outward demonstration of what was happening on the inside. There are lots of times when our kids will come to us with something or just be talking within earshot of us and our response/reaction matters deeply. At all ages, our kids need to know they can say anything to us, that they can talk to their friends in front of us, and our love for them doesn’t change. We can handle the tough, awkward conversations!

On the inside we may be “hitting the curb with our car” but it is okay. We can handle the conversation because of Christ in us. If we chose to respond quickly, sarcastically, loudly, dramatically, etc., it may affect the next time our child needs to talk to us.

God the Father gives us a beautiful picture of responding and not reacting. We don’t catch Him by surprise; He only wants the best for us and is willing to wait patiently and to continue to teach us as long as it takes for us to “get it”. When we respond gently, calmly, in love in the little things, our kids will trust us in the big things. Its okay to take a moment before you respond. I usually need a few seconds (or hours) and a quick prayer like “Jesus, help the words that come out of my mouth to be you!”

I’m praying for you as you parent in the awkward, bad timing, tough conversations and in the normal mundane everyday conversations. May we be parents that respond, not react.

Author: Emily Soule

Family Ministries Director (emily@gracelifefellowship.org or 225.769.8844 ext.106.)
Emily has been serving at GLF for the past 12 years: 5 of those years as the Youth Director and 3 as the Family Ministries Director. She has been married to her husband Scott for 13 years and they have three beautiful daughters.
She likes to read, and find a good deal at TJ Maxx!