For a week, the shoe was missing. I had asked my daughter where it was. She said she didn’t know and I moved on. No big deal. I can replace the shoe. She is my more responsible daughter, not like her to lose or misplace something, it’s fine.

Then a week later, it turns up in her dance bag. Yay! “Wonder how it got in there”, I say and my daughter burst into tears.

Let’s back up… a month before this her sister had lost a tennis shoe. And I may have overreacted… ok I did overreact but this daughter is careless with her things. She throws things, leaves things places. It drives me crazy! So I yelled and made her feel guilty when her tennis shoe went missing. In the moment, I felt fine about my response. She needed to feel guilty, she needed to be more responsible. And my loud and reactive response was going to get her to behave the way I wanted (sense the sarcasm).

So now here we are a month later and my other daughter is in tears. She knew her friend had been playing with her shoe as they got ready for dance but wasn’t sure where it had ended up and didn’t want me to be upset with her. So she didn’t tell me.  She had been feeling bad about it all week.

We had a great conversation. We talked about why it is important to always tell the truth and that we don’t keep secrets from each other. We talked about why we feel that way when we don’t tell the truth.  And I apologized for the way I had responded a month ago to her sister. (Side note: I did go apologize to that daughter too.)

This was a big moment for my daughters and me. They needed to know they can trust me. They can trust that I love them even when they mess up. Even when they don’t tell the truth. Even if they had purposefully thrown their shoes away. They need to know that my love is not based on behavior. THE RELATIONSHIP IS MORE IMPORTANT. Because when the big mess ups come in life they need to know I can be trusted to help through the mess.

And I need to choose differently next time. I WANT to choose differently next time. I want to respond and not react. I want to earn their trust and respect.

Recently someone said to me, “How beautiful would it be if when our kids messed up, they rushed into our arms to help them. They could share their failures knowing we love them so much we want nothing more than to help them work through them.”

In other words to trust me more than they fear the consequences. Please hear me, I am not saying there shouldn’t be consequences. Maybe I won’t buy a new pair shoes right away or they have to help pay for them. Or maybe I will buy them a new pair that moment because the relationship is more important than the lost shoes! MY  heart is always for them and my response to them needs to reflect my heart.

So…I need to take a chill pill. I need to let God, who is peace and love, share His LIFE through me.

My kids are going to make mistakes (a lot of mistakes) and my response to them matters. Big and small mistakes, on purpose or accidents, how I respond matters.

Good news! I have Jesus living inside me! So I have all the patience, all the discernment, all the love living inside me. May I live out of this truth. And may you too!

Responding not reacting is one of those tips that applies at all stages of parenting.

I had a chance to practice responding this past week. My oldest daughter is adopted. She knows she is adopted. We talk about it openly and often. We talk about the beauty of it and how much we wanted her, and God had always planned/known she would be a Soule’.  She asks questions sometimes and we answer whatever she asks. We have even begun to have conversations about her birth family. However, this week, I was not prepared to have any adoption conversation (which is usually the way it is when the topic comes up).

I picked up two of my nieces to go to the park. They are slightly older than my oldest.  They jumped in the car and one said, “Aunt Emily, does Ella know she is“ and she stopped. The other niece said,  “yes, she knows.”  The first niece continued, “okay great! Ella lets play a game where we adopt a cat. You know like you are adopted…” I didn’t know what was to follow. My mind quickly begins to race… “Do I shut this conversation/game down? I want to protect my baby! What if they say something that hurts her…wait, this is one of those moments! Respond, don’t react, Emily” So what did I do, I hit a curb – hard! Quite dramatically the conversation quickly changed to the importance of seat belts. This was not an intentional hitting of the curb but it sure did “save me” in the moment.  This adoption game/conversation really was not a big deal. It was so sweet and innocent but how I reacted/responded to it mattered.

Hitting the curb was an outward demonstration of what was happening on the inside. There are lots of times when our kids will come to us with something or just be talking within earshot of us and our response/reaction matters deeply. At all ages, our kids need to know they can say anything to us, that they can talk to their friends in front of us, and our love for them doesn’t change. We can handle the tough, awkward conversations!

On the inside we may be “hitting the curb with our car” but it is okay. We can handle the conversation because of Christ in us. If we chose to respond quickly, sarcastically, loudly, dramatically, etc., it may affect the next time our child needs to talk to us.

God the Father gives us a beautiful picture of responding and not reacting. We don’t catch Him by surprise; He only wants the best for us and is willing to wait patiently and to continue to teach us as long as it takes for us to “get it”. When we respond gently, calmly, in love in the little things, our kids will trust us in the big things. Its okay to take a moment before you respond. I usually need a few seconds (or hours) and a quick prayer like “Jesus, help the words that come out of my mouth to be you!”

I’m praying for you as you parent in the awkward, bad timing, tough conversations and in the normal mundane everyday conversations. May we be parents that respond, not react.