It was 9 am and the three year old and I were already locked in a battle of wills that shook the walls. Standing in the living room, arms full of baby dolls to the point that I could barely see her face, she stood her ground on bringing every single one with us to the gym. You can bring two, okay? Two babydolls. No more. No! I bring everybody. We’d been at it for 5 minutes, and I was over it. Luckily she couldn’t hold all 10 babies and walk, so she resigned, but not without crying and whining the entire walk to the car. Just get to the gym, I told myself. You’ll have an hour break from this crazy person, a chance to reset. She fought me the entire process of getting in her carseat, and when I got in the front seat, began screaming. Not about anything in particular, just screaming. At this point I should mention that I also have an eight month old, who is understandably not crazy about lots of yelling – so she’s upset now too.
I can’t think straight, so I get out of the car and close the door. It may sound a little inhumane, to leave the two of them crying in the vehicle, but it was that or start turning into the HulkMom. I walk a little down the driveway and just stop; that blank, glazed over look you see other moms wearing in Target while their kid throws stuff out of the buggy. I just start talking.
God, I’m so tired. I can’t remember the last time I had a break. Between these two wildlings in the car and trying to be a good wife and run a business and chase my own dreams and not let the house fall to pieces, I’m so tired. I’m not sure I can do it anymore. I’m fighting back tears at this point, allowing myself to drown in it all for a second
You can’t. It drifts through my mind like a falling leaf, and for a second I’m just downright offended. Um, I absolutely can. I absolutely can do it all, thank you very much. After a few moments my pride takes a chill pill, and it starts to dawn on me that I cannot, in fact, do all of these things. Not the way I’m trying to do them right now, at least. You see, I’ve forgotten to rest. Something that even God did. All of the crazy piles up in front of me and instead of resting in who I am in Christ, and what matters because of His truth, I set out to try to climb the mountain of my own sheer will power. And I end up here. Exhausted and frustrated and this close to losing my ever loving mind. Because I’m trying to do it myself. I will fail every single time this way. Every single time. Until I start letting the Lord lead me beside still waters as I raise two babies and chase my dreams, I will end up at the end of my driveway in tears over the crazy.
So I’m asking you to put it down. Whatever your banner of “I can do this on my own” looks like, will you just lay it down for me? You may not even realize you’re carrying this load, I so often forget that I don’t have to try to do all of this alone. And then all the sudden it hits me that I am simply not capable of keeping all the balls in the air at the same time without the loving, wonderful help of our sweet Savior. So take a deep breath, even if the house is being torn down around you as we speak. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and rest in Him and His truth. Let His goodness and peace rush in, because they’re right there – waiting. He is good, and He has good things for you. He wants to shoulder the things you’ve been carrying. Let Him be in it with you today.
Recent Comments