I am the perfect parent. Well, that sounds so presumptuous, doesn’t it? It’s hard for me to swallow too. But it’s true. Maybe it would help if I told you how I define perfect. The word perfect found in the book of Philippians also translates complete and mature.

You see my identity is not based on my behavior but in my personhood as a child of God. God has made me complete. God has made me mature. God has made me perfect. Whether I choose to behave like who I am or not doesn’t change the truth about me.

God has also made me a parent. He has made me perfect and a parent. He has picked specific kids for me to parent. For these kids, I am the perfect parent. Most of the time, I do not FEEL like the perfect parent for these kids. Most the time, I feel like I should be saving money for their weddings, college education, and all the counseling they will need because of how much I am screwing them up.

BUT the truth is despite how I feel and even how I act at times, God has made me perfect in Him.

Let’s break this down…

In the book of Philippians, Paul has this awkward little section where he says, “Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 3:12) then he continues… Let us, therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you.” (Phil. 3:15)

Huh? He calls us imperfect and perfect within a few statements! Here is his point: live like who you are: parent out of our perfectness. If our attitudes/ feelings/ actions don’t line up with this truth God will reveal that.

Here is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately… so how do I parent perfectly? I know lots of “parenting gurus”, I have
heard lots of great advice…but what do I want to live from … “what would ______ do?” or even “what would Jesus do”. NO! I want to parent from “Jesus, what would you have me do?”.

Jesus is Love. Jesus lives inside me and He has made me perfect. And you know what? If you have chosen Jesus as your Lord and Savior, He lives inside of you. He has made you perfect.

You are the perfect parent for your child. It’s not based on how you feel, or how you act. If God has entrusted a child to you, He has decided you are the perfect person for that child. If you are a parent and God lives inside you. You are a perfect parent. Now, let’s enjoy Him and enjoy them.

As a parent, some of our greatest fears, and inevitably greatest pains, are to watch our children struggle with the weight of this fallen world we live in.  I know we would all like to exist in a place that pain (sometimes so intense that we falsely believe the only way to escape it is death) was not a reality for our precious children or ourselves. This side of heaven, the only way to experience true freedom from pain, darkness, and death, is to put our faith and trust in The One Who conquered all pain, darkness, and death. As a fellow believer, I know this is your heart’s desire for your children.

I wish it was not the case, but the harsh reality is that suicide is an ever-present phenomenon that our children may have to navigate. It is ALL too relevant for every single one of us.

In the book The Cure and Parents, the authors say “we get to give our kids the best of us– earning permission to influence them, mature them, know them, give guidance to them, protect them, love them, free them, and show them a magnificent God and an authentic life that will hold up for their entire lifetime.” They continued to state, “they get to watch us trusting God. They watch us mature and heal and become freer…they get to enjoy, instead of maneuvering around, the very ones who have loved them most.”

So as parents walking in faith, how do we deal with this reality? How can our children see us trusting God with this harrowing topic? I would like to give you some practical thoughts and ideas to help support you as a parent not only in having conversations about suicide, but in how to help create an environment for these tough topics to be discussed.

LISTEN: Everyone wants to be heard. When our children are little we oftentimes say “use your words.” As they get older we can find ourselves saying “I don’t want to hear it” or “It doesn’t matter that…” and don’t realize we are stunting open communication. Then in turn we expect them to be open and honest when we want specific answers or want to have a tough conversation. I encourage you to hear your child out. Then they are more likely to hear you out.

VALIDATE: We do not have to understand, agree with, or even like how our child is thinking or feeling. But giving them the gift of validation is life giving and incredibly freeing. Simple ways of doing this are responding with “Gosh I’m so sorry you feel that way,” or “man it’s tough to be dealing with all of that.” How they feel in that moment is in direct correlation with what they are believing to be true, but we cannot have access to help influence and guide their beliefs if we first don’t recognize, validate, and show they can trust us with their thoughts and feelings. Take what they have to say seriously. What is a big deal to them may not seem like a big deal to us.

RESPOND: How we respond to our child’s words, actions, or lack of action (from day one) greatly shapes our child’s ability to trust us with their thoughts and feelings. I am not suggesting our children can never see us upset or frustrated, but in those moments modeling for them how to trust God is essential in gaining their trust. Or when we make a poor choice in not trusting God and whom we are in Christ, acknowledging that and asking our children for forgiveness. We, our homes, are called to be their safe space, their place of refuge from the world and the lies it throws at them. Even if we are freaking out on the inside, I encourage you to respond calmly in love. So often children do not open up to their parents because they are fearful of their reaction. Fear and shame come hand in hand and are a powerful tool of the enemy. Our reactions to small things project to them how we will respond to big, hard things.

FIGHT FOR THEM, NOT WITH THEM: I believe our children need to know and see us fighting for them instead of with them. This entails us saying things like “you may not understand my decision on (fill in the blank), but it is being made because I am listening to the Holy Spirit and fighting for you in this area.” Our children want, despite what it seems sometimes, to know we have their backs and are engaged in the hard fight with them. As they get older this definitely begins to be more behind the scenes. I am not suggesting you carrying all the burden/fight, but having your “fight for them” be done in guidance, support, and consistently pointing them to their Creator.

HAVE THE HARD CONVERSATIONS: No family is immune to hard things. It is the nature of this world. Even if your children are happy and excelling, intentionally having these hard conversations speaks volumes to their hearts. They will at some point, either personally or watching a friend struggle, have to trust Jesus with thoughts of death. Below are some tips on having conversations on suicide, which can also be applied to many hard topics:

Timing: Pick a time that you are most likely to have you child’s attention and a captive audience. Even if teens seem to portray otherwise, they want our time. If you are having a hard time with communication from your child, engage in an activity they enjoy in order to create a space to hang out and speak truth.

Make a game plan: Think and pray about what you specifically want to communicate to your child knowing their heart and needs. It is okay (actually it’s a gift to our child) for us to admit to them that this is a hard topic. It acknowledges and validates to them that you recognize the discomfort and potential difficulty in having these types of conversations which helps to allow them to openly express their discomfort.

Ask hard questions: Be direct with your children. Ask them what they think about suicide, if they have ever had thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves or wanting to die. Ask them if this is something that they talk about with their friends. Self-harm is not synonymous with suicide or suicidal thoughts, however self-harm is also to be taken very seriously. Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are a real thing in this fallen world and are nothing to be ashamed of as a child or parent. If your child responds saying they have had thoughts of self-harm, suicide, depression, or anxiety, then explore this further with them and let them know because you love them you want to think and pray on how to proceed as a family. If you feel like your child is in immediate danger, always act accordingly and seek immediate help.

*A helpful tool to access possible warning signs is at the bottom.

 Be Honest: Let them into your struggles. At an age appropriate level, it is always encouraged to share our past and even present struggles with our children. It helps them know they are not alone. It is also an amazing way to allow our children to watch us trust God. The more they see us trusting Him, the more they are able to trust us AND choose to trust Him also.

Make a plan together: Because these, and other topics, are things we want to address throughout the years, make a plan with your child on how that will look. You can say things like “because I know life can throw us hard things, I would love to revisit this together in the future. Let’s plan to talk again in a couple of weeks/months, and know you can always come to me before then.” When there is a suicide (or any hard topic) with a social media presence or a presence in your direct life, allow this to be an opportunity to catapult a conversation with your child. Ask their thoughts on the recent event. If your child has revealed something of concern SEEK HELP. Some children ask to speak to a counselor; some fear it like the plague. But please do not sit idle on concerns. Trust Christ in you to take action regardless of your child’s receptiveness to it.

You cannot give someone the idea of suicide by talking about the subject. Contrary to that belief, talking about suicide brings the topic to light, allowing truth to be revealed in this arena.

Ephesians 5:13 says “but all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.”

John 1:5 states “the Light (Christ, Truth) shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”

It is human nature to want to avoid and escape pain. We know that the only true freedom when there is pain is through a dependent life In Christ. If you need any help or would like to talk through something specific, please feel the freedom to speak with me or someone on staff. It is a humbling privilege to walk alongside people in their scariest, darkest, and most challenging moments. I pray for you and your conversations with your children. You are fully equipped and have the true resource, Jesus, living in and through you.

*Helpful Tool to Access Possible Warning Signs:

FEELINGS that, again, seem different from the past, like hopelessness; fear of losing control; helplessness; worthlessness; feeling anxious, worried or angry often

ACTIONS that are different from the way your child acted in the past, especially things like talking about death or suicide, taking dangerous risks, withdrawing from activities or sports or using alcohol or drugs

CHANGES in personality, behavior, sleeping patterns, eating habits; loss of interest in friends or activities or sudden improvement after a period of being down or withdrawn

THREATS that convey a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, or preoccupation with death (“Life doesn’t seem worth it sometimes”; “I wish I were dead”; “Heaven’s got to be better than this”); plans like giving away favorite things, studying ways to die, obtaining a weapon or stash of pills; suicide attempts like overdosing or cutting.

SITUATIONS that can serve as “trigger points” for suicidal behaviors. These include things like loss or death; humiliations, rejections, or failures, getting in trouble at home, in school or with the law; a break-up; or impending changes for which your child feels scared or unprepared.

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF CONSULTING WITH A MENTAL HEALTH PRACTITIONER. IF YOU HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH OR THE MENTAL HEALTH OF YOUR CHILD OR LOVED ONE, SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY. 

For a week, the shoe was missing. I had asked my daughter where it was. She said she didn’t know and I moved on. No big deal. I can replace the shoe. She is my more responsible daughter, not like her to lose or misplace something, it’s fine.

Then a week later, it turns up in her dance bag. Yay! “Wonder how it got in there”, I say and my daughter burst into tears.

Let’s back up… a month before this her sister had lost a tennis shoe. And I may have overreacted… ok I did overreact but this daughter is careless with her things. She throws things, leaves things places. It drives me crazy! So I yelled and made her feel guilty when her tennis shoe went missing. In the moment, I felt fine about my response. She needed to feel guilty, she needed to be more responsible. And my loud and reactive response was going to get her to behave the way I wanted (sense the sarcasm).

So now here we are a month later and my other daughter is in tears. She knew her friend had been playing with her shoe as they got ready for dance but wasn’t sure where it had ended up and didn’t want me to be upset with her. So she didn’t tell me.  She had been feeling bad about it all week.

We had a great conversation. We talked about why it is important to always tell the truth and that we don’t keep secrets from each other. We talked about why we feel that way when we don’t tell the truth.  And I apologized for the way I had responded a month ago to her sister. (Side note: I did go apologize to that daughter too.)

This was a big moment for my daughters and me. They needed to know they can trust me. They can trust that I love them even when they mess up. Even when they don’t tell the truth. Even if they had purposefully thrown their shoes away. They need to know that my love is not based on behavior. THE RELATIONSHIP IS MORE IMPORTANT. Because when the big mess ups come in life they need to know I can be trusted to help through the mess.

And I need to choose differently next time. I WANT to choose differently next time. I want to respond and not react. I want to earn their trust and respect.

Recently someone said to me, “How beautiful would it be if when our kids messed up, they rushed into our arms to help them. They could share their failures knowing we love them so much we want nothing more than to help them work through them.”

In other words to trust me more than they fear the consequences. Please hear me, I am not saying there shouldn’t be consequences. Maybe I won’t buy a new pair shoes right away or they have to help pay for them. Or maybe I will buy them a new pair that moment because the relationship is more important than the lost shoes! MY  heart is always for them and my response to them needs to reflect my heart.

So…I need to take a chill pill. I need to let God, who is peace and love, share His LIFE through me.

My kids are going to make mistakes (a lot of mistakes) and my response to them matters. Big and small mistakes, on purpose or accidents, how I respond matters.

Good news! I have Jesus living inside me! So I have all the patience, all the discernment, all the love living inside me. May I live out of this truth. And may you too!

Responding not reacting is one of those tips that applies at all stages of parenting.

I had a chance to practice responding this past week. My oldest daughter is adopted. She knows she is adopted. We talk about it openly and often. We talk about the beauty of it and how much we wanted her, and God had always planned/known she would be a Soule’.  She asks questions sometimes and we answer whatever she asks. We have even begun to have conversations about her birth family. However, this week, I was not prepared to have any adoption conversation (which is usually the way it is when the topic comes up).

I picked up two of my nieces to go to the park. They are slightly older than my oldest.  They jumped in the car and one said, “Aunt Emily, does Ella know she is“ and she stopped. The other niece said,  “yes, she knows.”  The first niece continued, “okay great! Ella lets play a game where we adopt a cat. You know like you are adopted…” I didn’t know what was to follow. My mind quickly begins to race… “Do I shut this conversation/game down? I want to protect my baby! What if they say something that hurts her…wait, this is one of those moments! Respond, don’t react, Emily” So what did I do, I hit a curb – hard! Quite dramatically the conversation quickly changed to the importance of seat belts. This was not an intentional hitting of the curb but it sure did “save me” in the moment.  This adoption game/conversation really was not a big deal. It was so sweet and innocent but how I reacted/responded to it mattered.

Hitting the curb was an outward demonstration of what was happening on the inside. There are lots of times when our kids will come to us with something or just be talking within earshot of us and our response/reaction matters deeply. At all ages, our kids need to know they can say anything to us, that they can talk to their friends in front of us, and our love for them doesn’t change. We can handle the tough, awkward conversations!

On the inside we may be “hitting the curb with our car” but it is okay. We can handle the conversation because of Christ in us. If we chose to respond quickly, sarcastically, loudly, dramatically, etc., it may affect the next time our child needs to talk to us.

God the Father gives us a beautiful picture of responding and not reacting. We don’t catch Him by surprise; He only wants the best for us and is willing to wait patiently and to continue to teach us as long as it takes for us to “get it”. When we respond gently, calmly, in love in the little things, our kids will trust us in the big things. Its okay to take a moment before you respond. I usually need a few seconds (or hours) and a quick prayer like “Jesus, help the words that come out of my mouth to be you!”

I’m praying for you as you parent in the awkward, bad timing, tough conversations and in the normal mundane everyday conversations. May we be parents that respond, not react.

One of the things that we have done to prepare our kids to launch from the nest is to allow them to make age-appropriate decisions – even if it means they might choose differently than we would for them or they might “fail” in some way. The greatest temptation as parents is the urge to step in and “rescue” your child from themselves in some way. As parents, we think we know better, or we don’t want our kids to make the same mistakes we did; and mistakes can be messy, expensive, or more work for us, etc. The positive side of allowing age-appropriate decision making, however, is raising a child who has confidence in their decision-making skills and learns to take responsibility for their decisions – the good and the bad ones! Not only does decision making give them some autonomy and a sense of accomplishment; they also practice critical thinking and learn to rebound from their mistakes knowing they are loved regardless of the outcome of their decision.

Age appropriate decision making takes on many forms when they are small and in the home, but where the “rubber meets the road” is when they start driving and have more freedom and autonomy. When each of our kids started to drive, we sat them down and had a conversation that went something like this: “Heretofore, when you asked us if you could go somewhere or do some social activity, we would ask questions like ‘Do you have homework? Do you have any tests this week?’ That way, if you were up doing homework at midnight on Sunday you could always blame us and say, ‘But you let me go…’. So, from now on, when you ask us if you can go somewhere or do some activity, we are going to already assume that you have done all of your homework and have time for the social activity AND we are going to assume you have the money to go. We will only evaluate your request from a safety perspective and whether it conflicts with something on the family calendar. That way, you are now responsible to evaluate whether you have the time and money to do something and can no longer say, ‘But you let me go.’”

This one conversation revolutionized our relationship and their thinking. They now had to be responsible for their own choices and had to consider how they were spending their time and we got to see them making those choices and decisions while they were still under our roof. They had a lot more freedom to make choices that many of their friends did not enjoy. It has opened up some great conversations with them as we have discussed some of their choices – since not every decision was a good one and we had to let natural consequences follow. They have also come back to us while in college and beyond to thank us for allowing them to make their own choices and give them freedom when they saw others who were in situations where their parents were still trying to control their decisions and choices while they were away at college.

Now, the caveat here is that our kids were self-driven and each has maintained A averages in high school. We would not suggest this if your child is already making poor choices. However, we would suggest trying some version of this to allow them to make some of the adult choices and have some adult freedoms while still at home so that you have an idea of what their decision making and choices look like before they move off to college. We all know what that first semester in college can look like if it’s the first time there have been any liberties away from mom and dad!

As earthly parents we want our children to make the right decisions from a behavioral standpoint and ultimately, what we want to have an effect on is their heart. Our heavenly Father has given each of us, his children, a free will – the ability to make our own decisions. We want to train our children in their decision-making skills so when they leave home they will make choices that will validate who they are and whose they are, and in their adult years walk in the knowledge of Christ in them.

“Mission minded kids.” Have you ever heard that phrase? My hope for our kids is that they will be “Christ-minded kids.” That their minds will be renewed as they grow and learn to know who and Whose they are.  In that renewing that they will live out of the truth of who they are. They will believe and know that our true heart’s desire, as Christians, is to want what God wants. In this knowing, they will act out of that.

As parents, we have the privilege to teach these things to our kids.

In the process of reminding them who they are and Whose they are, we also get to share with them the truths we know about what matters to God and to live out the fulfilling of these desires in front of them.

God has clearly spelled out a few things that are near and dear to His heart and has given us instruction on what to do. God desires no man should perish (2 Pt. 3:9). He asks His people to care for widows and orphans (James 1:27) and to take care of the poor  (Prov. 22:9). This is just to name a few.

As parents, one of the ways we get to teach our kids about God’s heart for these people is to partner in mission work.  To introduce our kids to the needs of the world and allow their hearts to break for what breaks God’s heart. Then to do something! Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone. Compassion is feeling sorry and then doing something about it.

Ask your kids, at whatever age they are, these questions to get the conversation started

• If you could change one thing about the world what would it be?
• If you could make life better for someone how would you do it?
• Share with your child the verses above. Ask them if they know anyone who is not a Christian, or do they know any widows or orphans, or people who have less earthly possessions than they do? Is there something your family can do for these people to share the love of Christ with them?