This is a four part series that was recorded on Sunday mornings at Grace Life Fellowship. Listen in as Juan and Kyndal Jacoby, along with Jervey and Tracey Cheveallier discuss the topic of raising boys.
Week One: Do I have what it takes?
Listen in to Week 1 here:
Listen in to Week 2 here:
Listen in to Week 3 here:
Listen in to Week 4 here:
It is obvious our children are not oblivious to the change and news buzzing around them pertaining to COVID-19. When hard, uncertain, and uncharted territories come our way we can sometimes suddenly feel ill equipped or unsure of how to discuss these topics with our kids. Our children (well, heck really any of us) can tend to worry and fear more when they are kept in the dark. Fear is a dark, lonely, and cruddy companion where lies come to reside. Scripture countlessly reminds us that there is great freedom in truth. As the weeks go on and things are disrupted for longer, we are likely to get more and more questions. So how do we as parents navigate being honest with our kids without overwhelming them with the weight of the coronavirus?
I know we would all like to exist in a place where illness, uncertainty, and death were not a reality. This side of heaven, the only way to experience true freedom from our fears is to put our faith and trust in The One Who conquered fear. Our God is a living God and He is powerful God. His love, power, and truth have risen and set the sun, parted the Red Sea, conquered Goliath with a boy and a stone, and broke down walls (literally and figuratively). That same God is with you and speaking through you as you are having hard conversations with your child. You are fully equipped! There is hope because He is the same God yesterday, today, and for every tomorrow.
Shame. It is one of the greatest tools that the enemy uses to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). Kill our kindness towards ourselves, steal our ability to experience love and joy, and can destruct relationships like no other. In THIS previous post, I laid out the role shame can play and the truth that shame has NO PLACE to dwell in the heart of a child of God. As we are journeying together through this beautifully messy thing called parenting, I know it is each of our hearts for our children to not only know but experience the love God has for them through the way we love them.
Sometimes when I think about the magnitude of it all, I can find myself nearly begging God for my children to turn out okay – more for their sake than for mine. No one desires for their child to continue to struggle into adulthood or choose to live life contrary to who they are in Christ. I am then reminded and reassured that it’s not all up to me and that my primary act of obedience is to depend on Him and His ways, not my own. To trust what resides within me. Simple in theory, oftentimes oh so challenging in practice. In the book The Cure and Parents, the authors say
“we get to give our kids the best of us– earning permission to influence them, mature them, know them, give guidance to them, protect them, love them, free them, and show them a magnificent God and an authentic life that will hold up for their entire lifetime.” They continued to state, “they get to watch us trusting God. They watch us mature and heal and become freer…they get to enjoy, instead of maneuvering around, the very ones who have loved them most.”
Because I know I am not alone in that, I thought I would share some tangible areas we as parents can walk out fostering love and grace, standing victorious with Christ (and our kiddos) over shame.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the pathway for love to freely flow. It is the very cornerstone our relationship with God is built on. It was the exact thing that God did in order for him to fully experience us and us to fully experience Him. Therefore, forgiving ourselves and others is essential in experiencing the depth of God’s promises for ourselves, to be an expression of those promises to others, and to experience the fullness of community with those around us. Forgiveness invites acceptance to love someone right where they are; remembering Whose they are to begin with. I know it can sound like all of this is flowery and pretty, but love is hard and messy a lot of the time. But I have experienced trusting God when it is difficult, confusing, and exhausting and watching it turn into a beautiful thing. Walking in our forgiveness from God and extending that forgiveness to ourselves and others removes the barriers allowing love to flow just as it was designed to.
Belongingness
We have all been there. As a kid wanting a place to belong at lunch in the cafeteria. As an adult, really hoping when we walk into that social event we have at least one person we feel safe with. We are wired deeply to be loved and belong. We are all biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually created to love, be loved, and to belong. Love and belongingness is not something we earn. It’s our birthright in Christ Jesus. And if that’s true of our relationship with God, then that is true of our relationship as parent and child. I belong as my boy’s mother and they belong as my sons. Obviously, the experience of this love can for sure be tampered with if anyone in the equation is living in fear, lies, or shame. Even in tough seasons or with personalities that challenge the heck out of us, our kids belong in our home. You belong in your home. You are the chosen parent God so delightfully appointed to parent your child. When we are believing truth about ourselves, and our role as their parent (despite how we feel or the circumstances in front of us) we can communicate those same truths to our children. Speaking truth into their lives a million and one times is so life-giving to them. Especially when the world is speaking the opposite. When we and our kids believe we are loved and belong right where we are, that they are good and wanted despite any poor choices, there is security and trust to battle the lies together.
Vulnerability
Even the word vulnerability kind of feels funny. When we are vulnerable and open with ourselves in the environment of grace with God, it gives us the ability to recognize what lies we may be believing about ourselves, God, others, or our circumstances. Vulnerability is simply being honest with yourself. Peeling the onion layers back in our thoughts and feelings and not letting anything stick that does not align with our identity in Christ. When we practice vulnerability, and stand in truth, we are able to have intimacy in our relationship with God and those who love us. Separating behavior from identity for ourselves and our children is a key function in fostering a safe environment for everyone to be free to be vulnerable. Living this out for our kids to see is essential in helping them build the same practice. Showing vulnerability allows our kids to see God at work in our hearts. Me closely watching God work in someone else’s heart is how I came to know Jesus myself! I was drawn to the realness of her walk. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Allowing our kids to see and hear our process of trusting God not only invites them to trust us, but to trust God with their life. The hope is that by our kids watching us trust Jesus, they will be compelled to do the same. “For it is the love of Christ that compels us” (2 Corinthians 5:14).
Patience
I oftentimes have to remind myself that my kids are just that…kids. That I surely can’t expect them to handle things well and maturely all of the time or even most of the time. Depending on the age of your children, they are learning emotional regulation, impulse control, and sorting all sorts of thoughts and stimuli simultaneously.
The goal is not to never struggle, but to learn to depend on God in the 
struggle.
That goes for ourselves as well as our children. This takes TIME. And lots of practice. Heck, I am still learning and growing in how to live out these truths in my own current season. Obviously, the hope is that we see continued growth and maturation, but having realistic expectations for our children goes a long way with our experience of them. As hard as it is, every struggle, teenage outburst, meltdown, or silent treatment is an opportunity for us to meet them in love and grace, speak truth, and walk through the struggle with them. As I tell my boys frequently, “let’s practice our patience” and trust that He makes everything beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
It is the primary cry of our hearts as parents for our children to come to know, trust, and live as one with Christ. As I mentioned before, it can all seem incredibly overwhelming and daunting at times. I can find myself sometimes more easily thinking of all that could go awry than dreaming of it going well. I am sure I am not alone in feeling sometimes like “ugh, I’m doing all of this and my kids don’t seem to be getting it.” Thankfully our identity is not in our parenting or in our children’s choices. The truth is that we are equipped in Christ Jesus. We have what it takes and you are not going at this alone. Christ in and through you is the only true parenting “tip” in the economy of grace. Know that wherever you are at in your parenting journey, that God has not forgotten you or your children. That if you have trusted Christ in your parenting and your ideas and plans have not played out, that the purpose of the Lord will stand (Proverbs 19:21). If you are a parent in a difficult season with a young child or an adult child, know that the battle has been won and the war is over. Victory has been had. We are not always sure when and how we will get to see the victory play out, but victory still remains true.
In whatever your days hold right now, know that you are not only welcome, but wanted in your community of believers. None of us have it all together and all of us benefit from walking beside each other. Come alongside others and allow others to come alongside you. Perfect love, His love, casts out all fear. And because of that, it is good to be us here with God and with each other- especially in this beautifully chaotic thing called parenting.
Shame – Part 1
Shame. Your cheeks get hot, your stomach drops, you feel like the whole world is looking at you. You are exposed. Ewe. Even the word isn’t super fun to say. Shame in all its glory can be brutal. It is one of the greatest tools that the enemy uses to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). Kill our kindness towards ourselves, steal our ability to experience love and joy, and can destruct relationships like no other. Aren’t you so pumped to be reading about it?! It’s the other “s” word that no one wants to touch with a ten-foot pole.
We have all felt it, acted on it, wrestled with thoughts stemming from it. I oftentimes tell 
clients that the only thing that grows in the dark is fear and shame. And if we really boil it down shame is rooted in fear. Fear of being seen and others not liking or accepting what is seen. Fear that if anyone really knew what I did/thought/said that they would run for the hills. Or worse stick around and we would pay for it by either our perception of constant judgment and wondering what in the world they are thinking of us OR being treated by others in a way that is fueled by shame. Fear that we, at our core, are not enough, not okay, not loveable. Sounds delightful, right?
As one of the key instruments of the enemy, it can wreak havoc internally. If he can keep someone hidden, festering in the dark, then there is absolutely no freedom in that. And the last thing the enemy wants is us experiencing and living out our freedom in Christ. Shame, remorse, and embarrassment are oftentimes intertwined, confusing, and can be hard to distinguish the role they each play.
We have all been there. Making a grand entrance by loudly tripping through the doorway of a restaurant hoping everyone was too busy enjoying their meal to notice, only to look up and see all eyes on you. Embarrassment. When we feel embarrassed we are experiencing self-consciousness followed by some distress. Remorse, in its healthy function, is feeling icky first then holding what we did/experienced next to who we are and recognizing that it doesn’t fit. Believing that choice/experience isn’t congruent to who we are and therefore it doesn’t sit right. In recognizing it doesn’t fit we are then able to stand in truth and not live in the thoughts and feelings of remorse. Shame happens when we believe it fits and therefore let the choice/experience (and lies that follow suit) say more about us than what God says about us and has done for us. Fear that who we are at our core is not good. Shame would tell me that I can’t even walk through a doorway correctly without making a fool of myself and that I am a constant screw up.
Remember earlier when I said shame was the other “s” word that no one wanted to touch with a ten-foot pole? Christ touched it. He more than touched it. He erased it. Demolished it. Our identity in Him is blameless, shameless, and secure. For we are MORE than conquerors (Romans 8:37)! Shame has NO PLACE to dwell in the heart of a child of God. If this is true, and it for dang sure is, then how come we sometimes experience thoughts and feelings of shame and watch our children wrestle with them too? I like to think we come by it honestly. The very first act Adam and Eve made once choosing to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was to hide themselves. Genesis 3:10 says “And he said, I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” For the first time, they felt shame. They felt fear. Felt exposed, vulnerable, and unacceptable. We, our children included, have all been there. Vulnerable and exposed. When caught up in the lies and waves of emotions we can find ourselves fearful that it is actually true.
The beautiful thing is that being vulnerable and exposed in the environment of love and grace is Gods heart for each and every one of us. To be fully seen and be fully loved. To be known and be free. To be heard and be accepted. As Doug and Janet Newberry say, “it is good to be me here with you.” Good to be me because God says I am good. Good to be me because my environment is one that knows my goodness is rooted firmly in Christ. A place where who I am is based on Whose I am, not what I have done. An environment of love and grace. The very opposite of shame, fear, and darkness is love, vulnerability, and freedom in Christ. Living in the light.
As a parent walking in New Covenant truth you have established and are continuing to foster an environment where it is good to be me here with you. Oftentimes it can get sticky to sort all of this out in ourselves and with our children. In order to combat shame, we want our kids to feel safe to be vulnerable with us. To mess up and know they have a soft place to land. To trust us and have the freedom to learn to trust God. Our reactions and responses to things greatly shapes their ability to do this. Giving them pieces of our story, sharing our current struggles or moments of weakness, apologizing, owning our wrongs, verbalizing that our/their mistakes is not who we are and how our heart wants to act, and asking for forgiveness.
Parenting is a huge refiner of us parents. Never be afraid to allow your children to see you being refined. Grow and lean into God more and more with them. So first we must trust God with our own thoughts and feelings of shame and then lead them to do the same. Perfect love, the very love that dwells within you, drives out all fear (1 John 4:18). Drives out fear and invites freedom. Freedom to know we won’t always get it right and neither will our children, but for the truth that it is good to be me here with God remaining the same.
I oftentimes find myself looking at my boys, relishing in the joys and freedom that being a child brings, and think to myself “oh to be them.” They are living the dream y’all
As much as we desire for our kids to remain carefree and innocent, we all know the reality of our world is much different. Whether it is stress, grief, anxiety, negative self-thinking, bullying, or something organic; our children face it too. The same circumstantial, emotional, and mental health concerns that
The fact is that not every person that worries has an anxiety disorder, not every bout of sadness leads to clinical depression, or every circumstance always lends to professional help. Kids experience emotional shifts and struggles. That’s part of being human. Understanding when the struggle shifts from average childhood/adolescent behavior that could potentially benefit from having a therapist involved to most certainly requiring professional intervention is imperative. Or knowing when your child might respond better to a neutral third party when learning to navigate hard things.
When we read articles like this, we can sometimes walk away either thinking “no, not my child,” “I must watch every step they make to see if my child needs…,” or “I HAVE MISSED something big [insert fear]!” Trust your instincts and discernment, but also hear the feedback of those around you and your child. You and those close around you know your child best. Use the above-mentioned things as a starting point to begin thinking about your family’s situation and season. If you ever have the thought that someone near and dear to you could benefit from some additional guidance or professional help, I encourage you to be bold and speak with someone. I know this topic can feel discouraging and daunting to say the least. We and our kids, can and will face a lot of hard things, BUT we serve an incredible God that has gifted fellow believers with the skills and abilities to walk alongside us and our families.
Note: This article does not take the place of consulting with a mental health practitioner. If you have concerns about the mental health of your child, seek help immediately.
As a parent, some of our greatest fears, and inevitably greatest pains, are to watch our children struggle with the weight of this fallen world we live in. I know we would all like to exist in a place that pain (sometimes so intense that we falsely believe the only way to escape it is death) was not a reality for our precious children or ourselves. This side of heaven, the only way to experience true freedom from pain, darkness, and death, is to put our faith and trust in The One Who conquered all pain, darkness, and death. As a fellow believer, I know this is your heart’s desire for your children.
I wish it was not the case, but the harsh reality is that suicide is an ever-present phenomenon that our children may have to navigate. It is ALL too relevant for every single one of us.
In the book The Cure and Parents, the authors say “we get to give our kids the best of us– earning permission to influence them, mature them, know them, give guidance to them, protect them, love them, free them, and show them a magnificent God and an authentic life that will hold up for their entire lifetime.” They continued to state, “they get to watch us trusting God. They watch us mature and heal and become freer…they get to enjoy, instead of maneuvering around, the very ones who have loved them most.”
So as parents walking in faith, how do we deal with this reality? How can our children see us trusting God with this harrowing topic? I would like to give you some practical thoughts and ideas to help support you as a parent not only in having conversations about suicide, but in how to help create an environment for these tough topics to be discussed.
LISTEN: Everyone wants to be heard. When our children are little we oftentimes say “use your words.” As they get older we can find ourselves saying “I don’t want to hear it” or “It doesn’t matter that…” and don’t realize we are stunting open communication. Then in turn we expect them to be open and honest when we want specific answers or want to have a tough conversation. I encourage you to hear your child out. Then they are more likely to hear you out.
VALIDATE: We do not have to understand, agree with, or even like how our child is thinking or feeling. But giving them the gift of validation is life giving and incredibly freeing. Simple ways of doing this are responding with “Gosh I’m so sorry you feel that way,” or “man it’s tough to be dealing with all of that.” How they feel in that moment is in direct correlation with what they are believing to be true, but we cannot have access to help influence and guide their beliefs if we first don’t recognize, validate, and show they can trust us with their thoughts and feelings. Take what they have to say seriously. What is a big deal to them may not seem like a big deal to us.
RESPOND: How we respond to our child’s words, actions, or lack of action (from day one) greatly shapes our child’s ability to trust us with their thoughts and feelings. I am not suggesting our children can never see us upset or frustrated, but in those moments modeling for them how to trust God is essential in gaining their trust. Or when we make a poor choice in not trusting God and whom we are in Christ, acknowledging that and asking our children for forgiveness. We, our homes, are called to be their safe space, their place of refuge from the world and the lies it throws at them. Even if we are freaking out on the inside, I encourage you to respond calmly in love. So often children do not open up to their parents because they are fearful of their reaction. Fear and shame come hand in hand and are a powerful tool of the enemy. Our reactions to small things project to them how we will respond to big, hard things.
FIGHT FOR THEM, NOT WITH THEM: I believe our children need to know and see us fighting for them instead of with them. This entails us saying things like “you may not understand my decision on (fill in the blank), but it is being made because I am listening to the Holy Spirit and fighting for you in this area.” Our children want, despite what it seems sometimes, to know we have their backs and are engaged in the hard fight with them. As they get older this definitely begins to be more behind the scenes. I am not suggesting you carrying all the burden/fight, but having your “fight for them” be done in guidance, support, and consistently pointing them to their Creator.
HAVE THE HARD CONVERSATIONS: No family is immune to hard things. It is the nature of this world. Even if your children are happy and excelling, intentionally having these hard conversations speaks volumes to their hearts. They will at some point, either personally or watching a friend struggle, have to trust Jesus with thoughts of death. Below are some tips on having conversations on suicide, which can also be applied to many hard topics:
Timing: Pick a time that you are most likely to have you child’s attention and a captive audience. Even if teens seem to portray otherwise, they want our time. If you are having a hard time with communication from your child, engage in an activity they enjoy in order to create a space to hang out and speak truth.
Make a game plan: Think and pray about what you specifically want to communicate to your child knowing their heart and needs. It is okay (actually it’s a gift to our child) for us to admit to them that this is a hard topic. It acknowledges and validates to them that you recognize the discomfort and potential difficulty in having these types of conversations which helps to allow them to openly express their discomfort.
Ask hard questions: Be direct with your children. Ask them what they think about suicide, if they have ever had thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves or wanting to die. Ask them if this is something that they talk about with their friends. Self-harm is not synonymous with suicide or suicidal thoughts, however self-harm is also to be taken very seriously. Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are a real thing in this fallen world and are nothing to be ashamed of as a child or parent. If your child responds saying they have had thoughts of self-harm, suicide, depression, or anxiety, then explore this further with them and let them know because you love them you want to think and pray on how to proceed as a family. If you feel like your child is in immediate danger, always act accordingly and seek immediate help.
*A helpful tool to access possible warning signs is at the bottom.
Be Honest: Let them into your struggles. At an age appropriate level, it is always encouraged to share our past and even present struggles with our children. It helps them know they are not alone. It is also an amazing way to allow our children to watch us trust God. The more they see us trusting Him, the more they are able to trust us AND choose to trust Him also.
Make a plan together: Because these, and other topics, are things we want to address throughout the years, make a plan with your child on how that will look. You can say things like “because I know life can throw us hard things, I would love to revisit this together in the future. Let’s plan to talk again in a couple of weeks/months, and know you can always come to me before then.” When there is a suicide (or any hard topic) with a social media presence or a presence in your direct life, allow this to be an opportunity to catapult a conversation with your child. Ask their thoughts on the recent event. If your child has revealed something of concern SEEK HELP. Some children ask to speak to a counselor; some fear it like the plague. But please do not sit idle on concerns. Trust Christ in you to take action regardless of your child’s receptiveness to it.
You cannot give someone the idea of suicide by talking about the subject. Contrary to that belief, talking about suicide brings the topic to light, allowing truth to be revealed in this arena.
Ephesians 5:13 says “but all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.”
John 1:5 states “the Light (Christ, Truth) shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
It is human nature to want to avoid and escape pain. We know that the only true freedom when there is pain is through a dependent life In Christ. If you need any help or would like to talk through something specific, please feel the freedom to speak with me or someone on staff. It is a humbling privilege to walk alongside people in their scariest, darkest, and most challenging moments. I pray for you and your conversations with your children. You are fully equipped and have the true resource, Jesus, living in and through you.
*Helpful Tool to Access Possible Warning Signs:
FEELINGS that, again, seem different from the past, like hopelessness; fear of losing control; helplessness; worthlessness; feeling anxious, worried or angry often
ACTIONS that are different from the way your child acted in the past, especially things like talking about death or suicide, taking dangerous risks, withdrawing from activities or sports or using alcohol or drugs
CHANGES in personality, behavior, sleeping patterns, eating habits; loss of interest in friends or activities or sudden improvement after a period of being down or withdrawn
THREATS that convey a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, or preoccupation with death (“Life doesn’t seem worth it sometimes”; “I wish I were dead”; “Heaven’s got to be better than this”); plans like giving away favorite things, studying ways to die, obtaining a weapon or stash of pills; suicide attempts like overdosing or cutting.
SITUATIONS that can serve as “trigger points” for suicidal behaviors. These include things like loss or death; humiliations, rejections, or failures, getting in trouble at home, in school or with the law; a break-up; or impending changes for which your child feels scared or unprepared.
NOTE: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF CONSULTING WITH A MENTAL HEALTH PRACTITIONER. IF YOU HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH OR THE MENTAL HEALTH OF YOUR CHILD OR LOVED ONE, SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.
It is May. Holy moly y’all this year is flying. At this rate, we will be hanging the Christmas stockings in no time. The school year is coming to a close and we are having lots of pep talks in our house about staying the course and what to do with all the feelings of being just downright done with all things that don’t look, taste, feel, and ooze summer. My boys have an official countdown until the last day of school and I can’t say that I blame them. I honestly don’t want to pack another lunch or do another night of homework (and if I’m even more honest my husband hands down does the majority of both of those activities). Since the joys of spring break came to an end, we have been having daily conversations with our older two about how the amount of days until summer are what they are, but how we choose to think about it and where we place our perspective will surely change our experience of it.
I know this is super obvious when we stop and think about it, but our perspective on something, anything, is so powerful in our experience. Just think of this one statement: “ugh, I need more patience!” versus “I have patience and can choose to use it.” One is from a place of need and one is from a place of have. One is essentially a lie as a believer (we have ALL of Jesus = ALL of his patience lives in us for us to access at all times) and one is truth. One feels discouraging and saying we are lacking and one is empowering and freeing. A simple change in perspective, some would even argue it being a matter of semantics, can drastically change our experience of something. I believe when we choose for our thoughts, perspective, circumstances, etc. to be filtered through the basic truths that God is good, He loves us, and my identity is in Him, that we experience things just as we are. At peace, rest, and abidance with God.
It can feel somewhat miserable and unpleasant when our thoughts or perspective is less than desirable (and I am sure others around us can vouch that their experience of us may even be unpleasant!). Philippians 4:8 says, “finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”God is asking us to simply think in a way that is aligned with our identity in Him. To choose to think according to who and Whose we are not according to our feelings or circumstances. If you look at each of those adjectives they can also be descriptive of Christ himself, and therefore us! God is desiring for us to think according to truth and in turn experience the fullness of Himself in and through us in ANY circumstance.
On Monday morning, my oldest, Benjamin, was on the struggle bus about going to school before the actual school bus came. I said “remember dude, going to school today is happening however you choose to think about it. But I guarantee you if you change your perspective on this, you might just enjoy your day.” Wouldn’t you know someone was all smiles and full of good stories that evening. I know it’s not always that clean cut and simple in practice—but the mind is a powerful thing. I am forever grateful that we have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16).
Eagerly awaiting an arrival…looking forward with excitement…with great expectancy. This time of year is full of the anticipation of what’s to come. Whether it is a young one hoping and dreaming of getting ‘that gift’ they want oh so badly. Or the giver who giddily imagines and looks forward to the joy and excitement of the receiver. Great anticipation is all around us. There is a particular gift we are giving our boys this year that has me so excited I can hardly contain myself much longer. It has been months in the making and has been a labor of love so to speak. I absolutely love how God allows us to gain glimpses of the magnitude of His love for us in ways such as anticipating the giving of gifts. I imagine how I currently feel about this present, is only a mere ounce of how God felt anticipating giving His children the gift of baby Jesus.
Let’s pause right there for a second. Imagine what it must have felt like to not only have the arrival of your baby son, God made fully man, but the arrival of the absolute greatest life-giving gift of all time. Heaven coming down to walk and live as man and destined to provide life too all who choose to receive for eternity. There has never been a gift given before or after that was as purposeful, loving, gracious, and forever captivating. So much love and intentionality went into the gift of Christ. As I was thinking on my own excitement to give our gift this year, I sat with the thoughts and feelings I was having and found myself in awe of Christ’s birth in a whole new way. The song, O Holy Night began playing in my head. I immediately went and found a beautifully sung version with the lyrics and sat with it for several minutes. I encourage you to take a few minutes to listen and let the lyrics sink in. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN
It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth! Long lay the world in sin and error pining till He appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices. For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees. Hear the angel voices. O night divine, o night when Christ was born. Although I have heard that song I am sure every Christmas of my life, the words hit me in such a new way. What a beautiful story, a beautiful night, a beautiful gift. The song continues with chains shall He break for the slave is our brother and in His name, all oppression shall cease. Let all within us praise His Holy name. Christ is Lord! Let ever ever praise thee! Noel, Noel. O Night, o night divine!
Born was our savior. The one who would set the captive free. The one who would love beyond measure and reason. The night that forever changed the world and continued a beautiful redemption story for all mankind. Oh, what a divine night. I can only fathom the amount of love and joy God felt on the heels of a night such as this. The love and joy he continues to feel for each and every one of us. Let all within us praise His Holy name as we experience and express the love and joy of Christmas.
Have a very Merry Christmas filled with the thrill of Hope in Christ Jesus!
Advent Week 4 is Here!
Click HERE for a printable version
As a parent, some of our greatest fears, and inevitably greatest pains, are to watch our children struggle with the weight of this fallen world we live in. I know we would all like to exist in a place that pain (sometimes so intense that we falsely believe the only way to escape it is death) was not a reality for our precious children or ourselves. This side of heaven, the only way to experience true freedom from pain, darkness, and death, is to put our faith and trust in The One Who conquered all pain, darkness, and death. As a fellow believer, I know this is your heart’s desire for your children.
I wish it was not the case, but the harsh reality is that suicide is an ever-present phenomenon that our children may have to navigate. It is ALL too relevant for every single one of us.
In the book The Cure and Parents, the authors say “we get to give our kids the best of us– earning permission to influence them, mature them, know them, give guidance to them, protect them, love them, free them, and show them a magnificent God and an authentic life that will hold up for their entire lifetime.” They continued to state, “they get to watch us trusting God. They watch us mature and heal and become freer…they get to enjoy, instead of maneuvering around, the very ones who have loved them most.”
So as parents walking in faith, how do we deal with this reality? How can our children see us trusting God with this harrowing topic? I would like to give you some practical thoughts and ideas to help support you as a parent not only in having conversations about suicide, but in how to help create an environment for these tough topics to be discussed.
LISTEN: Everyone wants to be heard. When our children are little we oftentimes say “use your words.” As they get older we can find ourselves saying “I don’t want to hear it” or “It doesn’t matter that…” and don’t realize we are stunting open communication. Then in turn we expect them to be open and honest when we want specific answers or want to have a tough conversation. I encourage you to hear your child out. Then they are more likely to hear you out.
VALIDATE: We do not have to understand, agree with, or even like how our child is thinking or feeling. But giving them the gift of validation is life giving and incredibly freeing. Simple ways of doing this are responding with “Gosh I’m so sorry you feel that way,” or “man it’s tough to be dealing with all of that.” How they feel in that moment is in direct correlation with what they are believing to be true, but we cannot have access to help influence and guide their beliefs if we first don’t recognize, validate, and show they can trust us with their thoughts and feelings. Take what they have to say seriously. What is a big deal to them may not seem like a big deal to us.
RESPOND: How we respond to our child’s words, actions, or lack of action (from day one) greatly shapes our child’s ability to trust us with their thoughts and feelings. I am not suggesting our children can never see us upset or frustrated, but in those moments modeling for them how to trust God is essential in gaining their trust. Or when we make a poor choice in not trusting God and whom we are in Christ, acknowledging that and asking our children for forgiveness. We, our homes, are called to be their safe space, their place of refuge from the world and the lies it throws at them. Even if we are freaking out on the inside, I encourage you to respond calmly in love. So often children do not open up to their parents because they are fearful of their reaction. Fear and shame come hand in hand and are a powerful tool of the enemy. Our reactions to small things project to them how we will respond to big, hard things.
FIGHT FOR THEM, NOT WITH THEM: I believe our children need to know and see us fighting for them instead of with them. This entails us saying things like “you may not understand my decision on (fill in the blank), but it is being made because I am listening to the Holy Spirit and fighting for you in this area.” Our children want, despite what it seems sometimes, to know we have their backs and are engaged in the hard fight with them. As they get older this definitely begins to be more behind the scenes. I am not suggesting you carrying all the burden/fight, but having your “fight for them” be done in guidance, support, and consistently pointing them to their Creator.
HAVE THE HARD CONVERSATIONS: No family is immune to hard things. It is the nature of this world. Even if your children are happy and excelling, intentionally having these hard conversations speaks volumes to their hearts. They will at some point, either personally or watching a friend struggle, have to trust Jesus with thoughts of death. Below are some tips on having conversations on suicide, which can also be applied to many hard topics:
Timing: Pick a time that you are most likely to have you child’s attention and a captive audience. Even if teens seem to portray otherwise, they want our time. If you are having a hard time with communication from your child, engage in an activity they enjoy in order to create a space to hang out and speak truth.
Make a game plan: Think and pray about what you specifically want to communicate to your child knowing their heart and needs. It is okay (actually it’s a gift to our child) for us to admit to them that this is a hard topic. It acknowledges and validates to them that you recognize the discomfort and potential difficulty in having these types of conversations which helps to allow them to openly express their discomfort.
Ask hard questions: Be direct with your children. Ask them what they think about suicide, if they have ever had thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves or wanting to die. Ask them if this is something that they talk about with their friends. Self-harm is not synonymous with suicide or suicidal thoughts, however self-harm is also to be taken very seriously. Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are a real thing in this fallen world and are nothing to be ashamed of as a child or parent. If your child responds saying they have had thoughts of self-harm, suicide, depression, or anxiety, then explore this further with them and let them know because you love them you want to think and pray on how to proceed as a family. If you feel like your child is in immediate danger, always act accordingly and seek immediate help.
*A helpful tool to access possible warning signs is at the bottom.
Be Honest: Let them into your struggles. At an age appropriate level, it is always encouraged to share our past and even present struggles with our children. It helps them know they are not alone. It is also an amazing way to allow our children to watch us trust God. The more they see us trusting Him, the more they are able to trust us AND choose to trust Him also.
Make a plan together: Because these, and other topics, are things we want to address throughout the years, make a plan with your child on how that will look. You can say things like “because I know life can throw us hard things, I would love to revisit this together in the future. Let’s plan to talk again in a couple of weeks/months, and know you can always come to me before then.” When there is a suicide (or any hard topic) with a social media presence or a presence in your direct life, allow this to be an opportunity to catapult a conversation with your child. Ask their thoughts on the recent event. If your child has revealed something of concern SEEK HELP. Some children ask to speak to a counselor; some fear it like the plague. But please do not sit idle on concerns. Trust Christ in you to take action regardless of your child’s receptiveness to it.
You cannot give someone the idea of suicide by talking about the subject. Contrary to that belief, talking about suicide brings the topic to light, allowing truth to be revealed in this arena.
Ephesians 5:13 says “but all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.”
John 1:5 states “the Light (Christ, Truth) shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
It is human nature to want to avoid and escape pain. We know that the only true freedom when there is pain is through a dependent life In Christ. If you need any help or would like to talk through something specific, please feel the freedom to speak with me or someone on staff. It is a humbling privilege to walk alongside people in their scariest, darkest, and most challenging moments. I pray for you and your conversations with your children. You are fully equipped and have the true resource, Jesus, living in and through you.
*Helpful Tool to Access Possible Warning Signs:
FEELINGS that, again, seem different from the past, like hopelessness; fear of losing control; helplessness; worthlessness; feeling anxious, worried or angry often
ACTIONS that are different from the way your child acted in the past, especially things like talking about death or suicide, taking dangerous risks, withdrawing from activities or sports or using alcohol or drugs
CHANGES in personality, behavior, sleeping patterns, eating habits; loss of interest in friends or activities or sudden improvement after a period of being down or withdrawn
THREATS that convey a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, or preoccupation with death (“Life doesn’t seem worth it sometimes”; “I wish I were dead”; “Heaven’s got to be better than this”); plans like giving away favorite things, studying ways to die, obtaining a weapon or stash of pills; suicide attempts like overdosing or cutting.
SITUATIONS that can serve as “trigger points” for suicidal behaviors. These include things like loss or death; humiliations, rejections, or failures, getting in trouble at home, in school or with the law; a break-up; or impending changes for which your child feels scared or unprepared.
NOTE: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF CONSULTING WITH A MENTAL HEALTH PRACTITIONER. IF YOU HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH OR THE MENTAL HEALTH OF YOUR CHILD OR LOVED ONE, SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.
We are in full fledge summer mode and in this season with littles that very much involves swim lessons. My oldest, Benjamin, will be 6 this fall and is very much capable of swimming, contrary to his belief. I have witnessed said swimming before. He has been lovingly referred to in our home as the Safety Steve of the family (he legit asked me to be quiet on the zoo train so we could all hear the safety rules a couple weeks back). In a house full of boys, I am appreciative one is doing his part to keep ER bills to a minimum. Despite Benjamin being capable of swimming, there is this little (BIG) thing called fear that keeps him observing from the sidelines instead of enjoying the freedom of his ability. This week on the way to his first swim lesson of the year, his thoughts, feelings, and questions were all over the map. “Will they let me drown? What if I swallow water? I’m going to jump off the diving board! Mom how do you know this will work? Mom, for real, do I have to do this?” I answered his concerns, reassured him of his capability, asked him to trust me and his instructor, told him he was strong and courageous, and may or may not have offered a reward in the form of a new toy for conquering his swimming fear.
Of course, I want Benjamin to be safe in the water. But just as much as I want him to be safe, I desire him to be free! To experience the freedom and fun of playing in a pool with his friends. To not be held captive by the fear. Fear is a dark, lonely, and crappy companion where lies come to reside and hopes and dreams wither away. Freedom is where we express and experience the depth, richness, joy, exhilaration, and truth of life. The thoughts, feelings, and questions that Benjamin was firing off on our drive are very similar to my own thoughts, feelings, and questions that I ask God when I am afraid. Just as I will answer, guide, and encourage Benjamin each time he is facing a current fear, God does the same for you and me. I was so thankful Benjamin was letting me into all of that, just as I know God is thankful when we let Him in on our struggles. Our God is a living God and He is a powerful God. His love, power, and truth have risen and set the sun, parted the Red Sea, conquered Goliath with a boy and a stone, and broke down walls (literally and figuratively). Love, our God, conquers all fear (1 John 4:18). I know that just as much as I want my sweet Benjamin to experience freedom from his fear, I know God wants (and has already provided) the same for us. God desires for us to rest in His love, power, and truth in order to experience the fullness of the riches of His Glory (Ephesians 1:18). I encourage you to live life trusting in the truth of our powerful Creator and freely embrace the swim.
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